Constant Connection Still Feels So Empty- Why Is it So Hard To Make IRL Friendships?

During a time when technology and social media have made it almost effortless to interact with one another, many adults find themselves feeling more lonely than they have ever before. In fact, according to the CDC, approximately 37.4% of the U.S. adult population experiences moderate-to-severe loneliness.
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That’s more than a third of us!

Why Are We So Connected, Yet So Lonely?

Loneliness can be defined as lacking a sense of overall “belonging” or an overarching feeling of being disconnected from others. It’s ultimately the difference between the frequency of interaction and level of intimacy that we want to have with others and much we actually have.  
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You scroll through your peers’ posts on Facebook/Instagram after work; You know what vacations they went on, which sports team their kid is playing for, and the fact that their mom was recently hospitalized with a serious illness. But does knowing about people’s lives automatically mean you’re friends with them or even that you actually know them?
You may wrestle with the notion of “I interact people all the time via online video games, chat rooms, and social media platforms. Shouldn’t that make me feel less isolated if I’m talking to these people frequently?”
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On one hand, the ability to connect instantly to each other across the globe has created countless opportunities to develop new companionships and strengthen existing relationships in a way that we never could have done twenty years ago.
   • Social media has fostered unique opportunities to interact with users who have similar quirky interests and important values- ultimately making us feel seen and validated.
   • Online support groups and forums can provide a sense of belonging that we may have never found in our own community.
   • The internet and smart phones allow us to stay in touch with friends and family who live thousands of miles away.
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However…when technology is used in lieu of in-person relationships, feelings of disconnection and isolation may not be alleviated in the way we hoped.

Why Do Adult Friendships Feel So Much Harder?

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Let me just state what we’re all thinking: Making and maintaining real friendships as an adult is hard. Way harder than what they make it look like on tv shows like New Girl, How I Met Your Mother, and Friends. We often don’t feel prepared for the reality of this as we are beginning to emerge into young adulthood.
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Dating, getting married, working hard on our side gig to save up for a house, taking care of our ill family members, grocery shopping, moving across the country for our dream job, dealing with mental health challenges, pursuing higher education, forcing ourselves to go to Hot Yoga at least three times a week when all we really want to do is binge-watch the new season of “Love Is Blind”…
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These are only a handful of the very real factors that we find ourselves trying to juggle while also trying to find time and energy to connect with others.
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Some of us may compare the frequency of peer interactions now with the period of our lives when we were fresh out of college, had minimal responsibilities, mounting student loans that made us broke as a joke, but we felt rich in our friendships. When reflecting on the juxtaposition of the different stages of life, it would be only natural to experience feelings of social dissatisfaction. Why is it so much harder now to feel that sense of community and belonging?
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We are forgetting something seemingly obvious…
Physical Proximity makes maintaining close relationships very convenient and requires little to no additional energy.
Going to the same school district, with the same people, from the same community, for seven hours a day, five days a week, year after year…That creates a sense of connectivity that no online platform can compete with.

Where do most adults spend the majority of their waking hours? With their families? At the local coffee shop? At their hot yoga studio? No, no, and no. Most adults spend most of their waking hours at work.
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As you may recall, you just read that physical proximity is the key to connection, right?  So why is it that we aren’t always best friends with our coworkers?  
This is now where shared interests and values come back into play.
   • Just because we’re close to our coworkers in proximity doesn’t mean that we are in alignment with Chad’s love of Crossfit, nor are we willing to spend our lunch hour hearing him yap about the new keto diet he’s on.
   • Political views and strong belief systems can divide us faster than light travels.
The golden ticket out of this chronic state of loneliness seems to be comprised of three combined steps:
   • Spending time together in-person regularly…
   • With people who are in close physical proximity…
   • And who have similar interests and/or values to us…
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If the thought of interacting with people feels uncomfortable or panic-inducing, you’re not alone. We can all agree that, to an extent, we lost a lot of valuable social skills during the COVID-19 pandemic.
   • Being physically distant decreased the chances of naturally practicing small talk in the grocery line.
   • Wearing masks made the meaning behind non-verbal facial cues almost impossible to pick up on.
   • Working remotely meant we didn’t get the opportunity to casually chat with our co-workers in the breakroom during a particularly stressful day.
   • We were forced to attend weddings, funerals, and baby showers via Zoom.
We got used to being physically alone but virtually connected.
Although many of us have physically recovered from the pandemic, many of us haven’t socially recovered. We got so used to connecting with others from the comfort of our own home, the thought of connecting face-to-face can seem daunting.
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Our “social batteries”  are at an all-time low. Many of us feel that it’s much easier to stay home and watch our peers and online strangers live their lives through pictures and posts instead of going out for dinner with them, interacting face-to-face, and listening to Regan dramatically, but hilariously, narrate the breaking of her ankle on her family camping trip to South Dakota.

So… Why Put Yourself Out There?

Question: If life is already feeling difficult or heavy right now, why then would we make things harder for ourselves by going through the trouble of
   1. Having to hype ourselves up for ten minutes to awkwardly initiate conversation with that guy we frequently see at our favorite sports bar (It’s most likely not awkward. You just aren’t sure what to do with your hands) and eventually get the guts to
   2. Ask him to play darts on Thursday next week *and only if he says yes* (rejection sensitivity sending off false panic alarms at this point) then be forced to  
   3. Fight the urge to cancel on him last minute?
Answer: Social connection is key to well-being and overall life satisfaction. Strong social connections can protect both mental and physical health. Studies have shown that frequent social connections can help us live longer, healthier lives and reduce the risk of chronic disease, serious illness, and chronic mental distress.
Knowing that I’m decreasing my chances of getting dementia and increasing my chance at feeling happier on a daily basis seems like it’s worth the clunky conversation with Darts Guy to me…
If you’re wanting to foster new in-person relationships:
   1. Join Interest-Based Groups and Hobbies
       a. Book clubs
        b. Craft groups at local libraries
        c. Board game nights at coffee shops
        d. Recreational kickball or slow pitch softball leagues
        e. Church groups/Bible studies
   2. Volunteer and Engage in Your Local Community
        a. Volunteer committees (i.e. Earth Day Clean Up Groups)
        b. Local festivals and fairs
        c. Host a garage sale and offer your next door neighbor to bring over their junk to sell together
   3. Ask Them to Join You In a Low-Pressure Mundane Activity
        a. Walking your dogs together
        b. Bake cookies together during the holidays so you both have more options to give to your families at Christmas

How Do You Strengthen the Relationships You Already Have?

If you’re wanting to strengthen existing relationships:
   1. Assertive Immediate Scheduling: Move beyond niceties of “We should really hang out soon” by assertively scheduling in-person meetups, such as happy hour drinks or game nights within the next week or two.
   2. Call Instead of Texting: If you’re both driving home from work at the same time, scheduling a phone call to catch up can be both a time-buster and a chance to connect (Handsfree through your Bluetooth device, of course. Your friendship with Jalen is important, but chatting about the new sourdough starter you created is not worth the ticket).
   3. Create No-Brainer Routines: Every third Sunday of the month, having a reserved spot in your calendar to meet up at the local coffee shop for 1 hour. No having to repeatedly check your schedule to see when you’re both available if it’s already blocked off.
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Tips for Success:

   • Be patient. Research studies show that it takes 40–60 hours to become acquaintances, 80–100 hours to become friends, and over 200 hours to become close friends.
   • Practice being brave when you don’t feel confident. Confidence comes through repetition. It requires bravery to initiate that first hang out with your graduate school classmate. Being brave isn’t measured by outcomes. It’s measured by effort.
   • Make a goal to say “yes” x/month.  Accept invitations, even if you are hesitant. Saying yes increases your opportunities for connection. You may find that running a 5K isn’t for you and go back to your Hot Yoga… but the time and effort you put in (and the blisters you developed on your ankles) may have been worth if it ultimately catapults the start of a friendship.

Let me be clear, interacting with the content that our friends post on Tiktok or joking with each other online while playing video games isn’t necessarily hurting the quality of your friendships. I personally would be offended if my friends didn’t post a fire or clapping hands emoji in the comments of my Instagram every time I posted. However, getting out of your comfort zone, putting in the effort to build those in-person social skills again, and making small steps to spending time with others face-to-face has a real chance of helping you manage the heaviness of this world a little easier.  You’re never too old to make new friends and it’s never too late to reignite friendships that have fizzled out in the past. Maybe we give Keto Crossfit Chad a chance to tell us about his new recipe after-all?
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Connection doesn’t happen overnight, but with the right support, it is absolutely possible. Whether you’re looking to build new relationships or strengthen the ones you already have, therapy can be a powerful place to start. At 515 Therapy & Consulting, we’re here to walk alongside you. If you’re ready to take that next step, we invite you to schedule an appointment with one of our providers today.

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